Art Of Dying
by goddessa39
Summary: Buffy thinks about her deaths, and about the reasons behind her resurections. BA but no confrontation. BF friendship.


The Art of Dying  
  
Everyone is going to die. It's inevitable. I've faced it, and so have others. But what I don't get, is, How come I don't get to? I mean, I die, but I come back, alive. Or what passes as living. I can no longer read the time on the clock and know what I'm suppost to be doing. I can no longer go outside in the afternoon or morning and look happily at the sun, knowing most take it for granted.

I can't look at my family, those that have become family, my friends, and think 'Everything is going to be okay. Everything's fine. We beat everything. We have never failed, and I don't intend to let them while I'm standing.'

While I'm standing.

That's funny. Because every time I manage to die, I'm not standing. But look, I'm still here, I think. But I'm not standing. And they can't even see it.  
  
Dying is a funny thing. Everybody is afraid of it, knowing it will be inevitable.

Well, here's my perspective:

At funerals, we don't cry and scream and mourn because they're gone, and can no longer enjoy our presence.

We scream and throw tantrums because we can no longer be in theirs.

My friends didn't mourn-except Giles. They decided to screw my death and bring me back to the pain.

I've learned differently since I found out about the real world. Since I found out about vampires, and demons, and every other creepy thing that I've had to face. And it's still not fair, not that it ever was, but now it's just not right. Since I was fifteen, I've been preached to about having to fight until my death. Hardy Har Har. What's that suppost to mean?

When I was sixteen, my second watcher found a prophecy. According to all who heard it, it was bad. And I quote, '...the master will rise. And the slayer shall... fall...' Fall. -Yeah, I know what you're thinking. 'Well, I feel sorry for the one who got the wrong end of that stick. You should be happy it wasn't you.' Well that's where you're wrong. Because it was me. I went down the sewer tunnel following the Anointed One and drowned.

DROWNED!

Can you believe it?! Of course, it was after the master drank my life force, my blood. And before you get all whiny or oooooh awww on me, my best friend, with my soon-to-be lover found me. My best friend Xander found me and resuscitated me with CPR. I came back stronger, and threw him- the Master, on top of a table leg. He turned to dust, but his bones were, for some reason left over. It's probably because of how old he was. But I don't know.

And over the summer, I became a real bitch at my dad's last visit, and the anointed one decided to bring him back. I keep saying that I shouldn't have been surprised. I mean, every time I get something good going for me, they rip it away. Whether they're my friends, or my family, or evil, or good. I can just say goodbye to it and hello to my ongoing world of death, destruction, and demons.

Well, I got there and saved my friends in time, and boy! Was I holding a grudge?! Duh! I took the sledgehammer and turned his bones to the rightful dust it was suppost to be. And I really was horrified. I had died. And this master vampire had killed me. I can't exactly go around saying "I only died because it was already prophesied." (Because if I hadn't gone down there, the master would have never gotten out.) Which it was, and we all know prophecies. They can't be wrong, but they don't tell you everything- like how I would be revived. I bet the PTBs weren't expecting that.

And then it started. My only real relationship. And you wanna know who it was with? Angel. Angelus, the Scourge of Europe's better half. And I mean that. Angelus Soul of Liam Angel. I loved him. And he loved me.

It spiraled around, but there was one problem. You see, I have never had a nice, happy, safe birthday. And I'm starting it off here.

On the night of my 17th birthday, my friends threw a surprise birthday party for me. I got out when I saw some vampires, and I found this box. I went inside after being wished happy birthday by everyone, and held the box. I was wrong to do so. But it was just a part of Buffy's present from hell.

It chocked me, and man was it strong. And it was just a blue arm in a box. We found it out to be the Judge it was soon decided by everybody but me (And I really hate how people keep making decisions without me!) that Angel would carry it and hide it somewhere. That means that he would have to go as soon as possible. So, I walked him to the harbor and he gave me my birthday present.

It was a claudaigh ring.

It has a crown, a heart , and hands around it. You wear it pointing towards you, and it means you belong to someone.

I was so far gone by then. But, we got ambushed before he could leave. It started raining, but it wasn't raining demons so I only ended up a little cold. But I got pushed into the water by a vamp so Angel had to let go of the box and come help me out of the water. We went to his place, and we started to put some warmer clothes on when we kissed. And things spiraled from there.

For a bit, they went happy-high. We made love that night, and I don't mean we fucked or had sex. I mean we made love. But there's a little something that those stupid gypsies just happened to forget to tell Angel about. One moment of true happiness, ad he would lose his soul.

Everyone thinks it's the sex that made him real happy. I heard Xander and Faith joke that I must have been real swell on my first time. Yeah, right. I was apparently better then some, but come on! It was my first time. I wasn't expected to be good. I doubt I was, not that I'd ever know, Angel is way too polite to say anything.

And that claudaigh ring, you wanna know what I found out about it? Can you say MEAN? The significance of it? It's an old Irish tradition. Do ya wanna know it?...

According to old Irish legend, (there's a story to it, but I don't really remember it much.) it's like a promise ring, or a really cheap wedding ring. Well, it is back grounded as a wedding ring, for those who were waiting for a real one. So, me and Angel are married.

And he leaves? After all we've been through; he bites me after a punch, to save his life. I punch him to get his demon to come out, and he marks me, and then he leaves. I have no doubt in my mind that we're soul mates, the secrets I've kept away from the group about the connection between me and Angel is really something. I've down corded it for my friends, like it's a sixth sense. But really, it's a part of my other five ( spidey sense) that has always been there. So here is what I am not getting, and I don't think any one else really gets it.

Me and Angel are eternally bonded. We are married by human law, old, but still. I am marked as the souled vampire's mate, for demonic and vampire law. But, like I said before, It has been proven that we are soulmates. So again... why, how could he just leave? I still can't get it- it hasn't come into my mind yet. Why does he have to be so noble?

He left me, that tore my soul out. He was one of only four people that could read me. My sister (she wasn't exactly there at the time) Dawn always knew what I was feeling. My sister-slayer always knew me better then the friends I keep around, Kendra and Faith. And HIM of course. So why can't he? I guess he is blocking it out like Dawn. Kendra isn't here to help- I got her killed. And Faith, well she is the only one who still can, but she is to far away to help me out now, we made up when I first went to see her, and I have only been around once since I dug out of my grave.

None of this makes sense to me. It really doesn't. HE is still the only thing that makes sense to me, but he is ignoring me, the call through our bond is... damaged, or maybe it's being blocked. So why isn't he here or something? Why can't he understand, or be there for me? Why can't my friends? This part is their fault anyway!

He makes sense, but his logic is far harder to really understand, or even read then Xander's own.

Yesterday, I was thinking a lot about this stuff. I brooded –Angel-like- for the whole three hours I was on patrol. And I finally came up with my answer.

It's kinda like reincarnation, only we stay the same. We are going to continue on this existing, until we get it right. I got up out of the water to get our love flowing, and he came out of Hell to continue it. But when he left, it messed nature up. So when he gave up the Day that Wasn't (Yes! I never forgot, I keep my promises!) He messed it up again. We got spread out again. But I have always known our souls were intertwined. So when we got separated, it stretched out like a string, and kept us connected. But destiny has never been kind to us, and has kept us apart.

Fate brought us together. We were meant to be. And destiny is on terms with fate at the moment because she wants us to be on separate parts of the globe (or California at least) and fight for our territory. Well, aren't we each other's territory?

So I died. I even agreed to it. I was willing because it had a purpose. I was happy even, not totally like you're suppost to be in heaven, but happier then I've been in... since my 17th and the day that wasn't. Happy enough without the other part of my soul. And then the ones I called my friends tore me out.

They were never really go-for-it about Angel. Xander never accepted it; Giles was never totally relaxed with it from the beginning. Only Willow was excepting of it, and that changed when she started to grow up more, and the Angelus stuff happened. I don't think they ever realized it, and Angel didn't either.

Sure, they didn't trust Angel, even thought they KNEW that it was Angelus that did those things; but they never trusted me.

That's why I was getting jealous of Faith easy. She was easily accepted into the scooby gang, and she rotted her self away when she thought I had it all. Now she knows, I hadn't had true family since my 17th birthday. We're closer then ever now. I had a friend I knew from LA set us up a 'Dreaming' so we could talk long distance without wracking up a debt.

We talk a lot now. She hates prison more then ever. I have to agree. When she killed the Mayor's guy, it was a plain-and-simple accident. She thought it was a vampire, and we were both to late when we realized what had happened.

She killed another person or two, but she lost herself in her mind, it wasn't totally her fault. She went to the Mayor's side as a defense against herself, thinking that we were against her. She really has realized what she has done wrong.

Spike is making moves on me. It's nasty and is grossing me out. I wouldn't touch him like that with a ten foot pole. Can I just say- EEEEw!

Anyway, back to what I was saying. My theory:

Art of dying.

We are doing things in ways that are just not acceptable to nature or ourselves, even if he doesn't see it. We are going to keep dying, and then being revived until we get it right: which will be when he has accepted our rightfulness and inevitability. But I wonder, will he do it before it takes forever? Or will he deny it until its too late?  
  
So here it is. Stated out correctly... : ...Art Of Dying  
  
If you die in any basic way, it's just weird. But when you die in the line of duty, like we have, it doesn't make sense. Nature back-tracks and finds a way to revive us and try tries to bring us together, where we should be. But thanks to some vampire who will remain nameless Yes Angel! I mean you! it keeps going funky, and we are both stuck back onto this stupid planet in this stupid dimension called Earth. And we are forced to fight. I hate it here now. All I feel is a starky awareness to pain. This place is sharp and not near friendly. I only get three things her that I am thankful of.

Dawn; I can watch her grow up. (Even though she is rebelling now and can't give a fuck about the future.) I can show her the world, which I intend to do- if I can clear up some things in my head life, and daily front for a life.

I get Angel, even though he is ignoring the call in our blood, urging him to me. He is here, and that gives me a little bit of peace. I can always feel him now, I got a lot closer and farther at the same time.

And Faith; I got to repair my relationship with my sister-slayer. We are closer then ever, and are doing better then anyone else at helping each other through this undeserving world. (Sue me if I sound bitter- I have full rights to that ability and I am allowed no matter what the damn PTBs say!) We now have substance knowing the other one is there. We are not alone. I think that is the only lasting thing I can say has come out of coming back from the dead. We slayers don't have to be alone right now. Not in the way that happens any other time. We can understand each other even if we haven't actually gone through it before.

There is only one thing that I can think of that I have better then Faith for being out here; I can slay and fight. She is reduced to jail brawls and self preservation. The slayer is not meant to be holed up in anything- let alone a prison.

So there is my theory. We will continue existing in this place until Angel realizes that we are going to be stuck fighting something inevitable, if we don't get our peace. And neither one of us can without the other.  
  
How long do you think it'll take?  
One... two... three...  
Hundred years?  
Damn! This is going to be a long, unworthy forever. This wasn't what I had in mind when I said forever. But it'll have to do-  
he is almost as stubborn as I am. Oh well. I can work on my art until I perfect it. How many heart attacks do you thing people will have about me  
dying until it comes true?...


End file.
